


Learning To Be Human

by MoonlightBreeze



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (a nameless girl that's entirely for the sake of the story fear not), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, I do give him that eventually, I really don't give him the nice things but this has a happy ending so let's pretend I do, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, just so y'all know, like big time, like this is set right after the almost wedding, no beta we die like men, oh and by the way Malec are babies in this, okay moving on to the serious tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26204290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: After an accidental death in the field, Alec finds himself on Magnus's doorstep searching for something he doesn't even know he needs. Alec doesn't quite know how to let people in yet, but Magnus is nothing if not determined.Or, Alec learns that sometimes it's okay to let someone see the worst, darkest parts of you. Sometimes that someone will stay.Contains some pretty heavy angst, a lot of self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, self-harm through a nightmare, self-harm mentions, blood mentions, and a very minor character death. Eventual hopeful/happy ending.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 10
Kudos: 185
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Learning To Be Human

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I swear I was going to write one of my Tumblr prompts (I have so many, oops) next, but then this struck out of nowhere and I had to write it. It was the most cathartic thing in the world for me to write, so I hope that it can be good for you readers, as well.
> 
> A few big warnings: This contains a lot of self-hatred, some suicidal thoughts, a nightmare that includes self-harm, mentions of self-harm, a minor character death (a child in the field), and a lot of angst. It does have a happy ending, but it takes a minute to get to that and there's a lot of angst in between. Please be sure to keep yourselves safe, and if you do choose to read it, please read it when you are in a good place mentally. <3
> 
> This is probably my favourite thing I've ever written, if I'm being honest, so I really hope that you like it as much as I do! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec could feel the tenuous hold he had on himself slipping, and he knew he wouldn’t make it back to the Institute. Not with the storm in his mind, not with the rain that seeped through his clothing and chilled him right down to his bones, not with visions of dead girls and haunted green eyes seared into his memory forever. 

Alec turned down another street and searched, a little desperately, for something he recognised. He let his training, the Shadowhunter instincts, take over and bring his feet where he needed to go. He huddled into the jacket Jace or Isabelle had pulled over his unresponsive shoulders earlier as he’d stared at the little girl with the empty green eyes, impaled by one of his arrows. It was an arrow meant for a demon, of course, but it was _his_ arrow nevertheless. Alec took a huge gulp of cold, wintry air and tried to ignore the tears that burned at the backs of his eyelids. He felt numb with shock, numb with cold, numb with, with _something_ and he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out what. 

Magnus’s apartment building loomed like a glowing golden beacon in front of him, and Alec exhaled sharply in surprise, his breath making a cloud in the air for just a second before it disappeared and left him feeling even emptier than before. He hadn’t meant to come here. He was going to go to the park, maybe the bridge, somewhere he could be alone with his thoughts and suffer the way he fucking deserved. 

_Why_ was he here?

Alec’s feet began to carry him up the stairs, forgoing the elevator, and he couldn’t make them stop. He didn’t know what he was doing. His brain was on autopilot and he wasn’t in control of his movements. He just needed something,anything, to get him out of this place, out of this world, somewhere he could feel safe, even if he didn’t deserve it, even if it was just for a second. 

He rapped his knuckles against Magnus’s door, ignoring the brass knocker that seemed to glare at him for it. He half-hoped that Magnus wouldn’t answer; he wasn’t used to having somebody he felt like he could go to in the middle of the night like this. He didn’t know what he was doing here in the first place. 

A second later, the door swung inward and Magnus appeared, clad in a dark blue dressing gown. His face was devoid of its usual makeup and his hair was a little messy, like he’d just gotten out of bed. Guilt clawed its way up Alec’s throat; he hadn’t even thought about the fact that he might very well be waking Magnus up with this. 

“Alexander?” Magnus said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

Alec suddenly felt very foolish. He’d walked to Magnus’s apartment in the dead of night, with no explanation to offer that would make any sense. His head was a mess, and Magnus’s living room was swimming before his eyes. He was so tired. By the Angel, he was so fucking tired. 

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, that would convince Magnus not to shut the door in his face for disrupting his night, but nothing came out. Magnus saw him struggling and opened the door a little wider. “Why don’t you come in?”

Alec stumbled inside, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t know what he would say, anyway. 

“Are you alright?” Magnus asked gently. Alec almost gave a bitter laugh at that. He was a lot of things, currently - exhausted, disoriented, sad, angry, overwhelmed, out of his goddamn mind - but he was definitely not alright. 

Alec didn’t answer. He found he couldn’t. The relentless pounding in his head and the burning behind his eyelids was rendering him unable to. He couldn’t get her out of his head, her eyes staring at him and asking him why, why he killed her, why he snatched her life away before it even had time to begin, why he did nothing but destroy every fucking thing he touched - 

“Hey,” Magnus’s voice cut through the low roar of his mind, and Alec realised with a start that he was hyperventilating. He raised a hand, tried to speak, but Magnus hushed him gently with a finger over his lips, just like that first time. “It’s alright,” Magnus promised. “It’s fine, Alec.” He reached out as if he was going to touch him, but he stopped short, thinking better of it. 

Alec loved and hated the caution in equal measure. Their relationship was still new, the wedding-that-almost-was still looming in the background of their romance. It had only been a week, a few days, really, since Alec was willing to throw away whatever it was that they had for someone he felt nothing for. He knew Magnus was being safe, trying to give Alec space and keep his distance for fear of pushing too hard. Sometimes Alec wished he wouldn’t. 

Sometimes Alec wished that he would wrap his arms around him and tell him not to listen to the cruel voices in his mind that insisted he was the reason everything in the world was so shit. Sometimes Alec wished Magnus understood that Alec didn’t want space, had never wanted space. He knew that he was difficult; he was scared and frightened down to his core of change and he ran away when anyone got too close. He pushed people away and he hid himself behind every protection he could muster and he trusted few. Alec knew he was a hard choice. Sometimes he wished that someone would choose him anyway, choose to stay, wouldn’t give up because he was a hard choice. 

Sometimes he wished that person would be Magnus, but he didn’t know and he was scared and by the Angel, he still couldn’t fucking _speak._

Alec choked, letting out a strangled sound, and it was only then that he realised the tears from before were cascading down his cheeks without his permission. He lifted one shaking hand and tried to brush them away, but he only succeeded in getting his hand wet. He bit his lip hard and turned away from Magnus. For fuck’s sake, he couldn’t believe himself. He was really letting Magnus see him like this? _Fucking pathetic_. 

Magnus let him go, but Alec could see the war on his face, knew that Magnus wanted to be close to him and help him and soothe him, wanted to make him feel like there was nothing wrong with crying in his presence. 

But Magnus was respectful and considerate of him, and Alec didn’t know he felt about that. It was a foreign, not entirely unwelcome feeling.

“Darling?” Magnus murmured, chancing a quick step towards Alec. “Darling, are you okay?”

 _No_ , Alec wanted to scream. _No, I just saw a child die right in front of me, I just killed a child, Magnus, help -_

But he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t say any of that. That would be too much. That would drive Magnus away, make him leave just like everyone else in his godforsaken life, it would make Magnus realise exactly who Alec really was and then he would hate him. By the Angel, Magnus would fucking hate him and Alec couldn’t blame him. 

After all, he hated himself, too. 

Alec stumbled towards the bedroom, shedding gear as he went. He almost felt bad when he noticed Magnus’s wince as his ichor-stained weapons belt hit the expensive Persian rug, but his thoughts were such a mess that he wasn’t sure the guilt could be heard over the din. 

Magnus followed him, watching with raw concern and care as Alec finally managed to make it to the bedroom, catching himself on the doorframe. He was now clad in only the jacket from before, his shirt and pants, and the grey woolen socks he hated. He huffed out a long breath and sagged. _Raziel_ , he was tired. 

Magnus approached him from behind and placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder. “Alexander?” he questioned softly. “Do you need help?”

A choked sound escaped Alec’s throat, and he had to bite his lip so hard that it drew blood to keep from full-out sobbing. He hated that question. He hated it so much, with everything that he was. His very fucking blood boiled when he heard it. He didn’t need help, of course he didn’t, he was _trained_ not to do this, and oh, Angel, _why_ was he doing this? Alec fell forward and braced himself on Magnus’s nightstand. He hated that he was here. He hated that he was here, he hated that he needed this, he hated the bed for looking so fucking inviting, he hated _himself_. 

By the fucking _Angel,_ he hated himself. 

Magnus hovered nearby, unsure of what to do or what to say or if his presence was even welcome. Alec wanted to reassure him and tell him that he was fine, he’d always been fine, that this was all Alec and he shouldn’t have to do a single damn thing - but he couldn’t. The darkness pressed in on him from all sides, and panic crept its way up his throat with every inhale, and he still couldn’t speak. 

Alec needed to get ahold of himself. He should have gone back to the Institute, he should have gone to the park and sat with the ducks for a minute, should have gone to the bridge and fucking flung himself off of it, he should have done _anything_ but this. He should have let himself suffer the way he fucking deserved. He shouldn’t be burdening someone else, he shouldn’t _be here_. 

But he was, and he still couldn’t breathe properly, and this was all his fucking fault anyway, so really, what choice did he have?

Alec switched the lamp on and ran a shaky hand through his hair before climbing into bed on the side Magnus didn’t sleep in. He still felt horrible and his mind was screaming at him to just _go_ and stop tearing Magnus down like the killer he was raised and trained to be. But Magnus was climbing in next to him, scooting close, offering soothing words of comfort that made Alec want to cry and fall and _love._ Magnus was right here, Magnus was willing and open and _good_ , and Alec didn’t have the heart to say no. 

Through the night, Magnus held him close, and Alec’s breathing eventually slowed and deepened. He was safe and warm. He didn’t deserve it, but for once, Alec didn’t care. He _wanted_ it and that had to be enough, just for tonight. 

Just for tonight, he would allow himself this foreign comfort. 

He could make everything right in the morning, punish himself the way he should have in the first place, but for tonight he could stay. 

He would stay. 

~ ~ ~

When Alec woke up again, it was to pitch blackness. It was so dark that he couldn’t see even the faintest outline of his own hand in front of his face. He spun in a slow circle, watching and listening for any sign of life. Where _was_ he?

Slowly, light began to creep into the cave or dungeon or whatever it was, and Alec realised that he was standing in an empty room. He was holding something. 

When Alec looked down, he jumped in surprise. There was a knife in his hand, a silver knife with a sharp blade that glinted in the wan lighting of the room. It was decorated with jewels, but they seemed oddly familiar. Alec began to study them. 

The first jewel was blue, so blue that it reminded Alec of his own eyes, the cerulean that none of his family shared and weren’t able to explain. The second one was dark brown, and Alec felt a wave of fondness rush through him that could only be tied to Izzy. His little sister and her pleading doe eyes - his biggest weakness and yet, still, his greatest strength. The third jewel that decorated the knife was golden, so much so that it hurt Alec’s eyes and illuminated the little space he was standing in. It was so stunning and it captured the room in such a way that Alec’s mind drifted involuntarily to Jace.

The last jewel was slender and catlike, with a piercing stare that hid centuries of secrets and housed more honest emotions than Alec knew what to do with. It was filled to the brim with kindness and brash courage, and Alec’s lips tugged into a smile as the image of Magnus filled his mind. The jewel blinked at him, and Alec realised with a start that they were all _eyes_. 

The eyes on the knife seemed to stare right through him, and they whispered that maybe he should hurt, maybe he should take the knife and stab it right into his veins, cut and cut and cut until there was nothing left for him to bleed out, until everything that was bad and wrong with the world drained from the crimson tears that he would spill. They whispered that he was nothing, some insignificant little speck in a universe that didn’t care, full of people that knew he wasn’t worth it. 

The knife and its eyes screamed that Alec wasn’t good enough, not for Magnus or Jace or Izzy, certainly not for his parents, not even for himself. The eyes seemed to pierce right into his soul, and Alec felt like he was standing on the edge of a precipice, about to fall over and surrender to some kind of oblivion. 

Alec’s fingers wrapped around the hilt of the knife, and its blade seemed to lengthen, sharpening to a deadly point that both turned Alec’s stomach and sent a rush of excitement through his veins in equal measure. 

He eyed his wrist, strangely unmarked in this hellscape of a place, and he raised the knife. 

“...Alec!” A voice shouted his name from somewhere in the distance, as if they were calling to him through a tunnel. He could barely make out the words that followed, the static in his brain was so loud. “...ou’re dreaming…”

Alec’s eyes widened. Dreaming? He was asleep?

The voices of the knife and the eyes it caged grew louder. Alec found himself bringing the sharp point of the knife closer and closer until it was right above his vein, just shy of pinching through the skin and slicing its way into Alec’s arm. 

“Wake up!”

Alec wanted to wake up. Alec pressed down with the knife. 

A last pair of eyes joined those that already decorated the knife, and they made his stomach drop. They were green and lifeless, and Alec was overcome with hatred; hatred for himself. He plunged the knife into his wrist, watching in satisfaction as blood bubbled to the surface, beading out of the long wound at a rapid pace. He was utterly fascinated with the macabre trails of crimson that ran down his arm, and he found himself unable to look away. 

Maybe now, it would finally be over. 

“Wake _up_ , Alexander!”

Alec flew awake with a start, a scream dying in his throat as he took in his surroundings. He was in a dark room, but he could see the outlines of familiar curtains and the reflection of the bright kitchen halogen in the bedroom window. He was at Magnus’s apartment. He was safe. 

“Jesus, Alec,” Magnus breathed. He looked terrified, and Alec guessed he must have been making a great deal of noise. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, though he wasn’t quite sure what he was apologising for. 

“Don’t be,” Magnus responded immediately. He moved closer hesitantly, and laid his hand palm-up in front of Alec; an invitation. 

Alec wrestled with himself for a minute before he took Magnus’s hand, squeezing hard and trying to slow his breathing. He needed a second, just a second, and then he could return to who he was supposed to be. Magnus waited patiently, expectantly, but Alec didn’t know what the other man wanted from him. 

Alec knew what _he_ wanted, and it was bad - so bad that it made him want to tear himself apart however he could. He wanted what he couldn’t have, what he wasn’t _allowed_ to have, what he shouldn’t have, not ever. He wanted Magnus to see this part of him and accept him and love him just the same as he always had. He knew he couldn’t have that, he knew that it was more than likely that Magnus was beginning to realise just what kind of a mess he’d gotten himself into, but it didn’t change Alec’s selfish desire - he wanted this, wanted Magnus, and it was tearing him up inside. 

After a few minutes of silence, during which Alec debated the merits of leaving before anything more could happen and Magnus bit his lip in the dark, unable to think of what to say, Magnus spoke up. 

“Alexander, do you want to talk about it? Sometimes talking about your nightmares can help you face the fears behind them.”

Alec stiffened. There was nothing he wanted to do less. _Especially_ not when the feeling from the nightmare hadn’t dissipated. He glared at his wrist. It wasn’t cut, it wasn’t marked with the scars Alec was used to seeing when it was daytime, and he felt like an addict needing a fix. His hands shook. 

Magnus’s box knife was lying open on the table, probably from some delivery Magnus had gotten earlier that day, and Alec’s gaze caught on it and refused to leave. The knife resembled the one in his dream, without the haunting eyes or the voices spewing poison. It was sharp, and Alec could almost feel the point sinking into his skin, cutting and slicing its way through his flesh like he was nothing more than a blank canvas to experiment on.

He inhaled sharply. He really needed to get a handle on these thoughts. He’d be dead accidentally from cutting too deep or too much if he continued at this rate. 

“Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice sharp.

Alec snapped to attention. “Yeah, Magnus?”

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Alec breathed, even though he knew that they both knew it was a lie. “Why do you ask?”

“You’re having eye sex with my knife,” Magnus stated bluntly, and Alec flushed. He wondered where the fumbling, unsure Magnus of earlier had gone. He found himself half-wishing for him back. 

“I am not,” Alec lied pointlessly. “You’re crazy.”

The girl with the green eyes was gone from his mind for the moment, but Alec still felt the grief and devastation heavy behind his eyelids, and he wished Magnus would leave him alone to his vices. So what if he needed to hurt himself, if he needed to slice his wrists open or crack his knuckles in the training room until they bled? If it got him through the day, if it kept him here, then what did it matter?

Magnus gave him a look that clearly said he wasn’t putting up with any more of Alec’s bullshit, and Alec wondered what had brought on this complete turnaround; whether it was something he’d inadvertently said in the throes of his nightmare, just the late night, or if Magnus was truly frustrated with Alec’s inability to let him in. 

Alec curled in on himself and made to get out of bed, searching the floor blindly for his shoes. He was a little more coherent than he was when he’d made his way to the apartment, but he was still a little out of it, and Alec knew full well that he might not make it back to the Institute if he left right now, but he didn’t care. 

He wasn’t going to let Magnus leave him because he had one slip-up, because he’d forgotten to bolt down his mask and keep it on tight for one fucking night. He thought he could have that, thought that maybe it wouldn’t change anything, thought that maybe, just maybe, Magnus would still want him. 

He was stupid, naive, and foolish. 

Magnus grabbed his arm while Alec was in the process of opening the bedroom door to look for his shoes out in the living room, and Alec paused. He looked back at Magnus with wide, fearful eyes and said, “Let go of me.” His words came out harsher than he had intended, but maybe that was for the best. Magnus couldn’t leave him if he pushed him away first. 

Intrinsically, Alec knew that his logic was flawed and that if Magnus actually left or he actually managed to push Magnus away, it would devastate and destroy him, but at the moment he was terrified and he regretted coming here, regretted letting Magnus in and letting Magnus see the mess that he really was for even a second. 

To his surprise, Magnus didn’t let go of Alec’s arm. If anything, he held on tighter. Magnus’s eyes blazed in the darkened room, and Alec was stunned into silence for a minute. It was the most visceral reaction he had gotten out of Magnus all night. 

“You are not leaving because you regret having acted like a person,” Magnus growled, and it sent a shiver down Alec’s spine. Tears filled his eyes and he cursed himself in his head. He didn’t understand why Magnus didn’t see it - Alec _wasn’t_ a person; he was a soldier, a _tool_ , trained for one purpose and one purpose only. And when he fucked up, he deserved to be punished. The knife glinted on the table in his peripheral vision. 

“Come here,” Magnus ordered, and Alec found himself obeying without hesitation. There was something about Magnus’s voice that had him scrambling to follow, desperate for more. He needed something from Magnus, and he didn’t know what it was, but he had a feeling Magnus did. 

Alec slipped into the bed again next to Magnus, and Magnus gripped his chin tightly, forcing his head upwards to meet his eyes. “Now,” Magnus said, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Alec’s expression hardened into stone. “No.” His mind howled like a wolf that was half starved to death, and he was finding it difficult to ignore. His thoughts were so loud, so confusing and sad and miserable, and Alec wished more than anything that he could find a way to sort through them, take them apart one by one until he had a clue what he was feeling and why. 

“Tell me, _now,_ ” Magnus said, and the command in his voice was enough to make Alec completely unravel. 

Alec began to cry, great big ugly sobs that spilled out of his mouth before he had time to stop them, and Magnus released his chin and pulled him into his arms without a moment’s hesitation. Alec felt something inside of himself breaking, and he gasped, choking on his own tears. 

He wept for the girl, whose life had come to an end far too soon; he wept for Jace, who had never had a real childhood and would never recover from what Valentine had done to him; he wept for Isabelle, who would forever live in her adoptive brother’s shadow and would never be able to live up to the impossible expectations her mother set for her; he wept for Magnus, who had gone through centuries of heartbreak and endured far more than one man could take; he wept for the mundanes, who lived in a world of uncertainty and despair even with their cluelessness about the Shadow World; he wept for everyone else who had ever cried like he was crying right now, who had ever thrown themselves off of bridges and carved bloody lines into their skin just to fucking feel something; and finally, he cried for himself, because he was hurting and breaking and _not okay_ and for the first time in his life, someone was there. Someone was with him and he wasn’t alone. 

Someone cared. 

Someone cared enough to stay, someone cared enough to figure him out and give him what he didn't even know he needed, someone _cared_.

Alec cried and cried until he felt like he might vomit and then he cried some more. Through all of this, Magnus held him, rubbing soothing circles into his back and stroking soft fingers through his hair. He didn’t say a word. 

Finally, eventually, Alec’s sobs died down. His breathing began to slow, and he felt horribly embarrassed. He tried to extract himself from Magnus’s arms, but the warlock tightened his grip around him and refused to let him leave. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec mumbled, gazing down at his lap in utter shame. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t you dare apologise,” Magnus whispered, surprising Alec. He pulled back just enough to cup Alec’s cheek in his palm, and he said, “How long has it been since you cried like that?”

Alec thought about it for a minute and then admitted, “Never.”

Magnus smiled sadly. “That’s what I thought.” He began to stroke Alec’s cheek with the pad of his thumb, brushing away the tear tracks and replacing them with light, feather-soft kisses that made Alec feel warm inside in a way he hadn’t felt in years. 

“Breakdowns like that take time to build up,” Magnus explained quietly. “I figured it’d been years or better since you allowed yourself to fall apart like that.” He smiled ruefully and pressed a gentle kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Bottling things up isn’t good for you, Alexander.”

Alec sighed and rested his head on Magnus’s shoulder. “Yeah, well, I don’t really know how to, y’know, _not_.”

Magnus smiled again, an amused little smile that made Alec sputter indignantly and leap to defend himself. Magnus placed a finger over his lips in a familiar gesture that made Alec calm instantly. “So I’ve noticed.”

Alec shuddered in Magnus’s arms. For the first time in his life, he felt safe enough to voice the thoughts that spun in his head, wreaking havoc and leaving chaos in their wake. “I’m weak,” he whispered. “This, this is weak.” He shook his head and burrowed further into Magnus’s embrace. “I’m fucking pathetic.”

“No, you aren’t,” Magnus reassured him gently. 

Alec wanted to believe him. He really did. But he couldn’t, not yet, maybe not ever. Magnus seemed to understand that, too. He squeezed Alec’s hand, a silent _that’s-okay_ that made Alec feel infinitesimally better. 

“Why are you still here?” Alec muttered. “The cat’s out of the bag. You’ve seen what a mess I am. You know now. Why stay?”

“Because I care about you, Alexander,” Magnus murmured. He held Alec tighter and buried one hand in Alec’s hair, tugging gently at the messy strands. “I don’t give up on people. I won’t give up on you. I’m not going to run away the second things get bad. I want this, want _you_ \- and that includes your bad days, your breakdowns, the moments when you wish you weren’t alive. I am here for every single bit of that, even when you try to push me away and shut down again like you’re used to. I’m not leaving, Alexander. I meant what I said the other day. I’m here to stay.”

Alec felt a few more tears escape at Magnus’s words, and he chuckled wetly. He didn’t think he had any more left to cry. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Alec mumbled miserably. “Don’t deserve this.”

“You do,” Mangus said simply. 

Alec shuddered and allowed himself to be comforted with soft words and gentle touches. His mind still whispered that he was weak, that this was pathetic, and he still believed it, but he no longer cared. This was what he wanted, and Magnus was willing to give it to him. 

So what if his mind was in tatters? So what if he would never be anything more than the Clave’s blunt little instrument? So what if Magnus deserved someone so much better than him? _He wanted this._ And by the Angel, he had spent way too long not getting what he wanted. 

Alec knew that they would have to talk about this, knew that Magnus wouldn’t accept this as a one-off thing and he couldn’t expect him to drop the subject, but that could wait. He knew he would eventually have to tell Magnus about the girl, and what he’d done, but that could wait, too. 

Right now, Alec wanted nothing more than to sink into Magnus’s arms and allow himself to be held for the first time in his life. 

“There is nothing wrong with being human,” Magnus whispered into his ear, and Alec let the words wash over him in gentle, soothing waves. 

_Human._

That’s what he was. 

Alec Lightwood was human, and he was going to start acting like it. 

One dark night at a time. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Looking to embrace your inner (or outer, we don't judge) chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your home in a community of chaotic fans looking to make the world a nicer place! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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